...

I... don't know what to do. It's confusing. One of my best guy friends has... confessed. But... I don't know what to do... I... My heart feels like it's being torn in thirds...

One third still belongs to a certain someone, who I still owe something to. Who I hope will forgive me. Who I still love so much...

Another third belongs to someone I will probably never see again. We loved each other so much... but... he was taken from me... It still makes my heart ache... The memories... of everything. His voice... the sincere tenderness of it when he spoke to me... His smile... The smile he showed me and no one else... The way he would hold me... especially the way he would hold me... It made me feel like we were the only people in the whole world... He would whisper things in my ear... Oh god... Why... Why did it have to be him.... Why couldn't have been me in that crash instead? I miss him so much...

And the final third... I don't know. It's... confusing. I think Jake might hold that third... but... How? I feel so... Should I love him? Can I love him? Am I allowed to love him? Do I love him? Is he too old for me? No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Maybe?

I feel like I might cry. Should I just give up love? No... no. Love is needed in this world. I don't know. Maybe it's just the part of me that's hopelessly romantic... Or maybe the part of me that still feels sane. I wish I could just... just... Oh... I don't know. I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I mean, how could anyone love me? I'm fat, ugly, stupid... It's impossible. It makes no sense. But... I think... more than anything... I want to be loved. Loved for who I am. Something that's only happened a few times... which I doubt will happen again... My heart feels like it's being strangled with these emotions... I'd wish I couldn't feel, but... I think that would be worse. After all, how could I be a singer if I couldn't feel happy singing something happy? If I couldn't feel sad singing a sad song? Laugh during dance rehearsal out of joy? It'd be horrible. Not laughing. Not being happy. Not messing around with friends and goofing off... But it'd be a blessing too. No depression. No crying. No anger. I can't help but wonder... Which one would love go under? A blessing or a curse?

I think it'd best to stop now, before I lose my ability to hold back my tears...