argh...

I feel frustrated today. I don't know why. But I'm tired of putting up with bull crap from my family and teachers. I can't get a minute alone anymore, and it's driving me insane. I can't even listen to music without being interrupted. And I've been having detentions practically shoved up my ass for being late, but I have to walk across the damn campus! What fuck? Apparently I have to walk across campus in five minutes while carrying my own weight in books and binders. yeah. whatever. fuck it. I'll just meet up with the principal on my way there. I can't stand getting bull shit from the teacher, and I can't stand getting bull shit from the class. Seriously, everyday when I walk in, they shout 'hey, you're late from China!' and it takes all my strength for me to keep from beating the living crap out of everyone in the room. And I hate that when ever anyone finds out that I'm Mexican, they scream crap like 'Go back to Mexico, you fucking wetback'. It's rude, ignorant, and just makes you look like a douche. Seriously, I'm surprised I haven't shot anyone yet.

Maybe I'll visit the nurse too... I can't move my right arm without feeling pain my shoulder.

My school isn't completely crappy. At least I have my friends. I mean, if Alex wasn't there, the walk to the library would be boring and all the threats of being stabbed I'm getting wouldn't be real. And Katie makes math fun. I've told her about how I'm suicidal, and on Friday I told her about something that happened in middle school, and she started laughing and said 'holy crap, you are suicidal!' and then she told me about something similar that happened to her. And everyone else... they're important too, but explaining everyone would take a few weeks, so... >>

Haru no uta...

I finally figured out why it seemed to familiar to me... He used to sing it to me... We would go out on a sunny day... We'd sit down in the shade after running around and such... and he'd hold me close... And sing Haru no Uta to me... I'd start singing along... and not too long after I'd fall asleep... I miss those days... We were so happy... I miss him. I wish it didn't have to be him... I want to... I want to be with him. But... I don't think it's possible. My heart is... it feels like it's being torn out... And... I'm trying so hard to hold back tears... but some are falling anyway... I miss him so much... Everyday... But... We... We promised... We promised each other that if something were to happen to one of us, neither of us would do anything drastic. And I can't break that promise. But it was painful. It still is. Having to wait. For night to come, so I can cry myself to sleep like I did when I was 13... Every night, I'd cry myself to sleep. One night I couldn't hold it back anymore and just broke down in my room. I was so greatful that both my parents were working that night, and both my brother and sister had already moved out by then... But it still hurts. And now... I kind of wish I didn't remember that he used to sing that to me... but... I'm kind of glad I did remember, since all I have left of him now is the memories...

...

I... don't know what to do. It's confusing. One of my best guy friends has... confessed. But... I don't know what to do... I... My heart feels like it's being torn in thirds...

One third still belongs to a certain someone, who I still owe something to. Who I hope will forgive me. Who I still love so much...

Another third belongs to someone I will probably never see again. We loved each other so much... but... he was taken from me... It still makes my heart ache... The memories... of everything. His voice... the sincere tenderness of it when he spoke to me... His smile... The smile he showed me and no one else... The way he would hold me... especially the way he would hold me... It made me feel like we were the only people in the whole world... He would whisper things in my ear... Oh god... Why... Why did it have to be him.... Why couldn't have been me in that crash instead? I miss him so much...

And the final third... I don't know. It's... confusing. I think Jake might hold that third... but... How? I feel so... Should I love him? Can I love him? Am I allowed to love him? Do I love him? Is he too old for me? No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Maybe?

I feel like I might cry. Should I just give up love? No... no. Love is needed in this world. I don't know. Maybe it's just the part of me that's hopelessly romantic... Or maybe the part of me that still feels sane. I wish I could just... just... Oh... I don't know. I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I mean, how could anyone love me? I'm fat, ugly, stupid... It's impossible. It makes no sense. But... I think... more than anything... I want to be loved. Loved for who I am. Something that's only happened a few times... which I doubt will happen again... My heart feels like it's being strangled with these emotions... I'd wish I couldn't feel, but... I think that would be worse. After all, how could I be a singer if I couldn't feel happy singing something happy? If I couldn't feel sad singing a sad song? Laugh during dance rehearsal out of joy? It'd be horrible. Not laughing. Not being happy. Not messing around with friends and goofing off... But it'd be a blessing too. No depression. No crying. No anger. I can't help but wonder... Which one would love go under? A blessing or a curse?

I think it'd best to stop now, before I lose my ability to hold back my tears...

I fucking hate people.

Why the hell can't they leave me the fuck alone? I mean, holy fuck! I girl can only take so many whiny, retarded, bitchy, white trash whores in one day! Jesus, why the fuck am I always the one who gets stuck in a class full of retards? They think they're smart, but they can't tell the difference between the fucking 50s and god damn 80s! And I don't remember there ever being a president of the united states backing in the fucking ice ages! I fucking hate people! They're so fucking dumb! Sure, I'm no genius, but at least I can define the word 'love' without looking in a fucking dictionary! Jesus Christ! Honestly, I fucking hate people. I'd rather blow my own fucking head off then be around the retards I have to put up with at school...